'Toolkit' provides strategies for supporting youth

Editor's note: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline may be reached by calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  Free 24/7 support is also available by texting HOME to 741741, the crisis text line.

As Anne Moss Rogers opened her presentation at an Innsbrook Rotary meeting with the story of her son's suicide, one Rotarian turned to another and said, "Wow. How can she say that so calmly?"
But while Rogers seemed matter-of-fact as she recited the facts of Charles' death in 2015, that purposeful, no-nonsense exterior conceals an ocean of upheaval and churning emotions within.

One reason she is able to keep her emotions at bay, she said, is the therapeutic effect of telling his story. In the six years that Charles has been gone, Rogers has made hundreds of such presentations; over time, the repetition has had a desensitizing effect.

"Talking about it has helped me heal," she said. "The more I get used to saying it to people, the less likely it is that it will remain raw and painful in a way that’s hard to live with."

She also believes that talking openly about taboo topics like depression and suicide, and teaching others to spot the warning signs of a teen in trouble, is helping to prevent the loss of more lives.

"It normalizes the conversation," Rogers said of her program's themes, which center around Charles' struggles with addiction and suicidal thoughts – thoughts that began as early as fifth grade, she learned after his death.

Finally – and perhaps most importantly – speaking to groups helps her feel close to Charles.

"When I am on stage or in front of people, I feel my son beside me," Rogers said. "He was amazing on stage; this was where he shined, and I am with him in a space where he loved to be.

"What’s not to love about that?"

Lives saved
In addition to speaking out on mental health topics, Rogers has written two books about the issues. Her latest book, she told her audience, came about after an employee at a publishing company lost a best friend to suicide.

Emotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk, is co-authored with a clinical social worker and designed to provide a toolkit of helpful strategies for parents and teachers working with troubled youth.

Released in late August, the book already had topped the list of books for educators on Amazon by the time she spoke to the Innsbrook Rotary Sept. 13. The states of Utah and Alaska, she told her audience, have purchased copies for every teacher in the state.

What's more, Rogers believes, the book has already saved lives.

After a related podcast "blew up" online, one teacher listened to it and was moved to contact Rogers about the result.

"Last night my son called from college," the teacher told Rogers. "It's his first year; he was distressed."

Initially, as she listened to her son complain about his workload and frustrations, his mother was not that concerned. But alarm bells went off when her son spoke the words, "I can't do this any more."

It was one of the warning signs of suicide that she had heard about on the podcast.

"Within 12 hours he was with a counselor at the college," his mother told Rogers. "But I would've never picked up on those words if I hadn't just heard that podcast."

Check-ins and sticky notes
Among the simple-yet-successful wellness measures in the book's toolkit are Post-It notes, weekly mental health check-ins, and "life-experience" movies that students are assigned for a Kansas Spanish class.

The Kansas teacher has found that having to film a movie about their lives in Spanish not only motivates kids to learn a foreign language, but also helps the students bond over shared experiences.

The teacher who pauses for "Hello Monday" check-ins found that having students start their week by rating their emotional state on a scale of one to five not only helps self-awareness, but promotes bonding among the students. After the first few Mondays, when students begin adding the reasons behind their ratings, she guides the conversation into problem-solving techniques.

In the same way, when students open up by posting sticky notes describing "what I struggled with in the last few months," it shows them that they are not alone and may be facing similar challenges as their classmates.

"Some kids cry when they read [the notes]," Rogers said. "They realize their struggles are the same."

These exercises and more can go a long way toward creating a community, Rogers said, "where people feel connected and feel they belong. And kids contemplating suicide get help."

'Not on my radar'
Her son was the "funniest and most popular kid in school," Rogers said, as a photo flashed on the screen of a broadly-grinning Charles.

"Here's a picture of my beautiful boy on homecoming court as a sophomore, escorting one of his favorite teachers."

Once his unsuspecting parents learned of Charles' heroin addiction, they went to great lengths – and expense – to get him treatment.

"We had to kidnap our son to wilderness camp," she told the Rotarians. "You don't do that because your kid gets caught with a beer and a joint."

But they had yet to realize the extent of his illness. After 22 months at camp and therapeutic boarding school, Charles returned home seemingly stable and sound of mind – at least outwardly, a success story.

Rogers now knows, however, that he immediately slipped back into despair and self-medication.

“Teenagers are absolute experts at covering depression,” she said. "My son was a master at hiding it; he'd deny it if I asked him about it."

Paradoxically, the same teens who struggle with thoughts of suicide and are so good at hiding it, she added, “want desperately to tell someone."

But Charles' buried his suicidal thoughts in rap lyrics and writing fragments, found later by his grieving mother – who contends that another reason she was blindsided by Charles' death was the conspiracy of silence and societal stigma that surround topics of mental illness.

"Suicide was not on my radar," she said in a 2019 TEDx talk, "because no one was talking about it."

Even after Charles' death, Rogers said, "I would talk about my son, and people would cut me off mid-sentence."

'Ahead of the curve'
Since that darkest of days when a police officer delivered the news to Rogers and her husband, she has single-mindedly pursued twin goals of shining a spotlight on mental health issues and working to prevent suicides – a top killer of teen-agers and young adults.

After an essay of hers in the Richmond Times-Dispatch went viral, Rogers' writing and advocacy snowballed; today, her Emotionally Naked blog has reached more than a million people. She has been featured in the New York Times and was the first suicide loss survivor ever invited to speak at the National Institute of Mental Health.

As for her numerous speaking engagements – which keep her constantly on the road, in front of audiences across the U.S. – she is quick to credit local Rotary clubs for propelling her into the public eye.

When she began talking about youth mental health prior to Charles' death, Roger said, most organizations were reluctant to schedule a speaker who delved into such uncomfortable, unappealing themes as mental illness and teen depression.

But in 2010, 2011, and 2012, she pointed out, Rotary clubs welcomed her.

"After my son died [in 2015]," she continued, "again, Rotary invited me in."

Today, with depression pervasive and suicide a critical public health problem, Rogers' themes resonate with a larger audience, and she is in demand as a speaker.

But she hasn't forgotten that Rotary first opened the door. "It wasn't till I'd been speaking at Rotary clubs for seven years," she told her audience appreciatively, "that others invited me."

"You all are seven years ahead of the curve."

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For details about Anne Moss Rogers and a full list of publications and resources, visit https://annemoss.com.

Henrico County Public Schools’ Bridge Builders Academy will host an Oct. 12, the workshop “More Than SAD: Mental Health and Your Child,” in-person at 6 p.m. at New Bridge Learning Center Auditorium. “The Signs of Suicide (SOS),” a virtual workshop, will be held online Nov. 9 at 6 p.m. Sessions are moderated by the HCPS Department of Family and Community Engagement, in conjunction with the session hosts. To register or for a full list of workshops, visit https://henricoschools.us/bridgebuildersacademy. Questions about workshops can be directed to ansimms@henrico.k12.va.us. Many workshops are recorded for later viewing; past workshops also may be viewed on the Bridge Builders Academy page.