Staying calm

Anyone who suffers with a panic/anxiety disorder realizes that it is more than just being nervous or stressed.

I have been living with my panic/anxiety disorder since I was eight years old – although for the majority of my life, I didn’t have a name for my feelings. I always thought I just wasn’t able to handle things that most people were able to handle with ease. Butterflies in the stomach are normal and what normal people experience when dealing with a new or challenging situation. Me? I would kill for butterflies – what I generally have are pythons!

Let me break this down for those who think panic attacks or anxiety attacks just require instructions to “stay calm.”

I’ll use one word: debilitating. Panic/anxiety attacks manifest themselves in different ways for different folks, so I can only speak to how I experience them. When experiencing a full blown panic attack, I often have a ringing in my ears and my arms feel numb. I have become a master of keeping up appearances so generally no one observing me would know anything is out of the ordinary.

I used to feel shame, like I was weak for not being able to power through worry and nerves. Ashamed that I would start to feel sick and fixate on the first day of school at the end of July every year. Embarrassed when starting a new job or taking a trip of any kind would make my vision go blurry, my heart race and create a series of sleepless nights. “Normal” people were able to function in a “normal” way even with nerves and worry, in my mind. I envied those around me who rolled with the punches during times of adversity and was baffled by those who thrived during these same times.

Becoming a mom took my anxiety to a different level. For the first time, I experienced the anxiety outside of my body. I loved my husband and worried about him for sure but it was nothing compared to the worry a parent feels for her child. Being a mom is a constant exercise in self awareness and internalization so as not to project your fears and worries on to your child.

By this, I mean my triggers were not his triggers, and I was ultra aware of every word choice due to the power of suggestion. Just because the first day of school (through college I might add) was always a source of anxiety for me, I was careful to only focus on the excitement of the first day for my boy. I didn’t ask if he was “nervous” about school before he started kindergarten or even preschool. I started conversations with him about what he was looking forward to and asked if there anything he was a little unsure about. As he goes off to college this month, I am certain that he does not know just how difficult school was for me in that regard.

I am a certified life coach, so here is my professional opinion on coping with an anxiety/panic disorder: go through a divorce.

It stretches the limits on what you are able to realistically handle in life. There are no options but to depend on yourself.

Make the job change you were afraid to make before, because now you – and you alone – must make ends meet.
When emergency decisions have to be made, you’ll realize that you can handle it – because you have to. You don’t have your spouse to pass the task to when you feel as if you are stretched to your limit. Depend on yourself when you have no choice but to try; if you fail, you try something else.
Wake up each morning and remember that no matter what difficult obstacle is ahead of you, you will conquer it. You made it through an experience that you never thought you would survive; remind yourself that the crippling fear didn’t last.
There is a decorative wooden block that I keep on my fireplace that reads, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

I have an amazing support system around me between my friends and my family, but at the end of the day, I’m going day to day without a net and it doesn’t make me anxious – it makes me feel empowered.

I absolutely still have panic attacks, and they are still scary, but I remind myself that I don’t need to retreat to feel relief.

No one is more frustrated or annoyed with panic or anxiety than those of us who suffer with it. Be patient with us. Try to be kind by not thinking we should just ‘stay calm’ or ‘suck it up.’ Our strength presents itself by making it through tough times, and the victory is in remembering we survived it – whatever it is.