Planting the seeds of conversation

With the new school year underway, no doubt parents will be dusting off the perennial question:

“How was school today?”

It’s not a question that tends to produce the in-depth, heartfelt answers parents would prefer.

Too often, the response is a shrug, or a muttered, “Okay.”

As I was to learn during my three daughters’ school-age years, the best, deepest, most substantive conversations almost never grew out of direct questions like, “How was your day?”

The roundabout approach – asking indirect questions, or no questions at all -- was better at eliciting conversation and learning what was going on inside my girls’ heads. Over the years, I’ve acquired not only ample experience with the indirect approach, but also a few tips from parents of tight-lipped kids, whose tricks for priming the conversational pump I will share as well.

Elementary schoolers
In the early years, children are probably at their most talkative when it comes to telling about their day.

But for times that they balk, it can help to add a silly twist to routine questions. “Did anyone’s pants fall off at recess today?” or “Did any giraffes show up for lunch?” can start conversation off with a giggle.

If the mood is less giggly, a parent might simply muse aloud, as if forgetting the child is in the room. “I wonder why my second grader seems so worn out,” or, “Hmm, I wonder what’s bothering Julie.”

Parents can also feign ignorance or ask questions in the negative – knowing the kids will jump to set them straight. Perhaps an innocent, “Let’s see, you didn’t have gym today, right?” or “I suppose school was a cinch today – all fun and games?” For some kids, there is no greater gift than that chance to correct mom and dad when they are wrong.

When my girls were in early elementary school and had yet to start after-school sports and activities, the indirect approach took the form of afternoon tea rituals. There was something calming and comforting about the ceremony of steeping, stirring, and plunking in sugar cubes that seemed to automatically generate talk of the day.

(Of course, when I bring up our teas, I invariably am met with skeptical squawks from mothers of boys. But I knew two boys who grew up having tea with their parents every evening – and I believe it’s no coincidence they grew up into two of the most polite, gentlemanly young men I’ve ever known.)

Still, there are are plenty of other rituals besides tea that can produce conversation. For some families, kitchen-table talk might develop over an afternoon bowl of popcorn (preferably popped the old-fashioned way, which involves more ritual than microwaving -- not to mention tasting better and likely being more healthful).

In a family of a single mom with two sons, the boys came up with the idea to surprise their mom with an after-school “happy hour” snack of lemonade, cheese and crackers. Even after they hit the teens, their mom would occasionally call them to request a happy hour -- which, it so happened, doubled as a chance to unwind and catch up.

Another ritual that can help kids and adults alike decompress after a long day is playing cards or a game; Rummikuub and Scrabble were favorite games at our house.

And one of the best ways to get kids talking is with side-by-side or joint activity. This can involve shooting hoops or playing catch in the backyard – or doing chores together such as walking the dog, folding clothes or chopping veggies for dinner.

Pre-teens and teens
If communication lines have been open and rituals like these established early (and assuming there are limits on use of electronic devices at home), chances are kids will still be forthcoming as they hit adolescence.

But there are no guarantees – and finding ways to get teens and tweens to open up is undoubtedly more challenging.

At the risk of belaboring this point, I have found that the car is one of the best places for conversations with the older age group.

First of all, kids are a captive audience in the car; they can’t storm off to their rooms if they happen to be “in a mood.” And whether their mood is good or bad, they may have trouble containing it until they are home – so either way the parent is more likely to hear about what triggered it.

It’s also easier for teens to open up about things when they do not have to make eye contact.

What’s more, any parent who has driven a carpool knows that the dynamic changes when there are other kids in the car. Not only does the parent get to see how his child interacts with peers; he may also hear things that a child or his friends might not normally share with a parent.

As with the younger crowd, side-by-side activities like dog-walking or shooting hoops work well with teens for spurring conversation. Jim Trelease, the read-aloud guru, writes in The Read-Aloud Handbook of the family tradition of reading to his children while they would wash the after-dinner dishes -- right up through their teen years. As Trelease will tell you, there are few things that get conversation flowing like the pause at the end of a chapter when you are reading an interesting book.

And when all else fails, occasionally the best chance to catch up with adolescents is at bedtime, when they are tired and their defenses are down.

Evening can be an especially fertile time for conversation if the habit of bedtime get-togethers was established long ago -- say, for reading stories.

For one family I know, bedtime stories evolved into a ritual known as “lay-down time.” Mom and Dad would alternate between their two boys, each lying down beside one of them on the bed to chat at the end of the day. For older kids, lying down on a futon or floor pillows may make better sense here -- but what’s important is the habit of checking in at bedtime.

If lay-down time doesn’t appeal to your teen, there’s one more trick that might: a bedtime back rub or foot rub.

If the thought seems ludicrous, go ahead and laugh. But even the least talkative of teens might find himself opening up when a parent spends just five minutes helping to relieve his tension with a shoulder massage.

When I gave my girls back rubs in their younger years, one of the things they loved best was calling the shots. In the time allotted to the back rub, they were allowed to direct me as to where and what kind of rubbing, tickling, scratching, hair brushing or gentle pinching they could have.

To a seven-year-old, even five minutes of being able to boss Mom and Dad around is a cherished, much-anticipated opportunity.

But to a teen struggling with school stress, relationships, self-image and identity issues – and yes, with parental authority – the chance to call the shots and to enjoy a pleasurable moment with a parent can be priceless.

Rare is the teen who would admit it – but those minutes could even become the highlight of the day.