Now what?! What now?

When our children are in preschool and elementary school, how many times do we hear them say, “That’s not fair!”?

This is generally in response to being made to eat something unsavory or not being able to trick-or-treat with a fever. But then our children get older, and we try to help them through unfairness like heartbreak, being cut from the team or being bullied. Watching your child suffer through something most of us have experienced ourselves in childhood, from veggies to heartbreak, is the worst feeling. So how do we help our children through something so unfair that we can neither relate to nor explain away?

When the COVID-19 pandemic began to spread across the globe, questions arose that we still aren’t able to answer. Questions like: Will I still have a job when all of this flattens a bit? Is my home secure? Will my loved ones stay healthy?

But what about the questions that seem trivial to some but are everything to others? Such as: How will I be able to celebrate the culmination of years of studying, tests, projects, labs and homework? The ‘others’ to which I’m referring are our graduating seniors, college and high school. There are hundreds of thousands of students across the country who find themselves in such a spot. So, what now?

As a parent of a high school senior, there are certain ‘givens’ that I always assumed would be a right of passage for my son. All parents want different things for their children as they watch them grow into young adults and navigate their way through the emotional times of adolescence, puberty and usher them into adulthood. For this gal, I hoped my son would join some clubs and go to at least one dance.

One positive outcome to the world coming to a sudden halt is having time to reflect on our graduate’s school days.

Full disclosure: Elementary school was a daily challenge. Every day I held my breath as he got off the bus because he would tattle on himself before his foot was off the last step. I’ve always said that he isn’t the kid who throws the rock and hides his hand but rather the kid who throws the rock, then raises his hand and says, “it was me! I threw the rock!”

I’m a people-pleaser and always have been. I would have been devastated to have a teacher discipline me when I was in school. His impulse control entertained his classmates to no end but definitely never put him in the ‘teacher’s pet’ category. Sadly it took me years to move past my need for approval through my son and embrace the quirks instead of trying to get him to fit a mold that he never would. The man he has become and what he has had to adapt to in order to become that man have far surpassed my expectations for him.

I’m a bit of a historian when it comes to photos; ironically I was my own senior class historian. As of late, I have been digging through old snapshots and digital folders dating back to preschool.

Sweet faces posing with my son are the same young adult faces proudly postured in senior pictures. Buddies with arms around June 2020 each other from field day shared the same stance, albeit taller, at senior convocation in the fall. These are the same kids I carpooled to swim practice or chaperoned on a field trip or hosted for a sleepover.

Little girls in dresses and tights for first communion or cotillion are now the young women posed in evening gowns and heels for homecoming and prom. Stacks of photos from swim team, basketball, academic competitions, society inductions, baseball and band concerts represent what makes this circumstance all the more difficult. It isn’t just about what we miss for our own children but also for the other members of the class of 2020 who are sprinkled throughout an educational landscape. The photos tell a story even through a smile.

The smiles range from a huge flash of baby teeth to the toothless pride anticipating the tooth fairy. The awkwardness of smiles without teeth because of braces, to the pride coming back after those braces came off or the boastful smile in a high school picture with a crush.

The pictures are literal snapshots of moments in time, and I’m moving through them like a flipbook with time having moved as quickly. Like most parents, for me, thinking back is bittersweet. Bitter only because my role in his life has gone from manager/supervisor to more of a silent investor kept abreast by infrequent status reports. Sweet because I was present to take those photos. Not just in attendance but present.

I don’t give parenting advice because – let’s be honest – who am I? But I will make a few suggestions to the parents of young children to help you reach this spot in which I find myself – with as little regret as possible.

• Be present .. . . in the moment. I know it is difficult to always be present; we have jobs and homes to maintain. But your kids won’t remember that they had their laundry done that random Thursday night. They will, however, most likely remember the night you stopped what you were doing to play a game with them or helped them with a puzzle.

• Try to get to know their friends. You don’t need to hang out with them, but when your kids talk about them, listen. They are the most important people in your kid’s life, so it helps you stay plugged in. Through talking to your child you can at least gain insight through the folks with whom they surround themselves.

• Learn from my unnecessary efforts trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Embrace their traits and interests even if they aren’t what you envisioned for them. I wish I could go back and hug my son more than I corrected him, or laugh at his actions more than feel embarrassed by them. On a recent road trip, I mentioned to my boy that I would be writing about the wrap-up of high school and asked for his input. I asked if there was anything that he was grateful that we (his father and I) did in any of his 15 years of school from preschool to now. He thought about it for a minute and he said, ‘Probably that you just let me be. You gave me space’ It was simple but impactful.

In our county, more than 3,000 graduating high school seniors and their families are part of a much bigger picture. We are one county in one state in one country in this massive universe, but feeling out of control is quite universal at the moment.

The act of graduating isn’t really about the pomp and circumstance, in theory. It’s about completing a stage in one’s life and successfully moving onto the next. Although I have had nothing to do with the completion of this stage for any of my son’s friends, I’m proud of them nonetheless. The next stage is college for some, trade school for others or going straight to the workforce. Regardless, this unbreakable class of 2020 will use this experience in whatever their future holds.