Now What?! This I know. . .

A little more than a year ago, I wrote about being on the precipice of empty-nesting. I now find myself navigating the waters cautiously confident. Cautious because I’m still a fledgling, but confident because I’ve put in the work.

I put in the work by getting myself prepared through upping my professional game and actually paying attention to the lessons I’ve learned in my personal life. I’ve been single now for about 6 1/2 years, but it took me about a year to even be interested in dating. Let’s call it a solid 5-year master class in adult relationships, both friendship and romantic.

Being a single adult is so much more than not having a partner in life. It’s a constant internal monologue of questioning how you reacted to someone, showing disbelief toward someone else’s reaction – or even second-guessing if what you’re wearing is appropriate.

I have to contact someone in order to share thoughts or experiences, as opposed to having a spouse or partner there with all of the background knowledge about the players in the story who can offer advice or even correction. It isn’t organic. Hence my internal monologue reminding me of what to pay attention to or remember about people’s behavior.

I’m not sure at what point I truly began to pay attention, but I’m thankful I did. When you pause to really observe, it’s an awakening of sorts. It’s more than a little embarrassing to admit how obvious some of these are or how long it took to actually pay attention.

●  When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. My mom always said that to me, but like most people with their mothers, I never thought she knew what she was talking about. The optimist in me gives people the benefit of the doubt and excuses behavior far too often. I used to think that was one of my better qualities – seeing the good in people – but now I realize sometimes it is just me seeing what I want to see rather than the reality. The fact is that not everyone has your best interest at heart and, sadly, this I know.

●  Believe people’s actions over their words. My examples are more from the dating world, but this fits just as easily in the workplace or with friendships. It took me a minute to realize that just because I mean what I say, not all people do. Some people are impressively good at manipulation, and for someone like me who sees what I want to see, it’s easy to fold into that manipulation. Pay attention to what you experience and not just what you hear.

● Not every action makes sense. I try to make sense of the behavior of those around me, and even though I love to dig deeper into reasoning, sometimes I come up empty. The lesson for me has come from wasting a lot of time explaining myself in the hopes that it would change the outcome. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. We can control our behavior, and that is truly it. We can think that if we do X then Y will happen, but this isn’t absolute. No matter how much we do X, sometimes Y just doesn’t happen. Let my trials and errors save you some time and trouble because this, I know.

● You are worthy of ‘it,’ and ‘it’ is infinite. I’m the queen of negative self-talk but I’m working on it. What I do know is that I’m (and you’re) worthy of respect, time, love, that cake, that promotion, honesty, loyalty, that favor, that vacation, that Starbucks drink... whatever. It may be corny to say, but this is my most important lesson. It makes all of the others fall into place. When you realize that you are worthy, you don’t put up with the manipulation and minutia the people around you may exhibit.

At the end of the day, who cares what this random person knows, right? You may not, but I do hope that my observations during a transitional time can be a time-saver for you. No matter whether you are in a partnership or not, paying attention to human nature is a must.