Now What?! The arsonist firefighter

Recently, a lightbulb went on for me.I’d been hearing more and more stories of folks who consistently found themselves in the middle of crazy situations, whether personal or professional. When I stopped to really pay attention, it was clear to me that it was no accident that these people ended up in such predicaments – they were stuck in them as the result of circumstances they themselves brought about.An example: Annie tells her sister about the negative things that their friend said about her cooking. Annie’s sister and the friend then argue, and a feud develops. Annie ultimately steps in to play peacemaker and save the day, when the fire burning was one that she fueled in the first place.

I have created a phrase for these folks, and it’s one that most likely describes at least one person in each of our lives: the arsonist firefighter.

Arsonist firefighter (ahr-suh-nist fahyuhr-fahy-ter)Noun

1. A person who creates a problem (a fire if you will) so they can come to the rescue and prove their worth by solving the problem (fighting the fire).

This term, of course, is metaphorical – I’m not accusing any brave firefighters of being arsonists. And maybe it seems a bit manipulative and harsh, especially when sometimes the actions truly may be coming from an unintentional place. But, I think it fits a number of people.I have encountered workplace arsonist firefighters over the years as well. In my experience, this version is a little more about job security or proving one’s worth.For example, the employee who sets systems in place that no one else can possibly figure out. It’s like handing someone a 1,000-piece puzzle with a couple of pieces missing to set the other people up for failure. When the co-worker swoops in to explain the system, he or she demonstrates an ability to solve the problem, which was, in essence, created by their unnecessarily complex system to begin with.What about in relationships? This version of the term is a little more on the sneaky side. I don’t know if the other two that I’ve mentioned are even done intentionally. In relationships, when one person grows to depend on the other (whether in a romantic or parental sense), the arsonist firefighter easily can be lurking.For example, Paul convinces his wife to buy a house with a huge yard, even though she is very content with a small, manageable one. When they move in, he is consistently talking about everything he does to take care of the yard and reassuring her that he has it under control. When she brings anything up that needs to be done, he reminds her of all of the work he does in large yard – you know, the one that HE wanted. Arsonist firefighter.As parents, it is easy to become an arsonist firefighter and not even know it. When we don’t equip our children with answers or basic knowledge or how to thrive in the real world, that is, unfortunately, exactly what we become. When our teen driver does not know how to change a tire or how to contact someone to help (besides us), that is on us. We jump into action but then roll our eyes as we contact the insurance company or rush to their side. That makes us the arsonist firefighter. We encouraged them to depend on us first and foremost and then solve the problem that we’ve created; I know we didn’t flatten the tire, but you know where I’m going with this.We all like to feel valued in our lives, whether professional or personal. The tricky part is allowing others to realize our value without forcing them to have no choice but to realize it.My challenge to us all is to stop and think when we are helping someone out of a jam, ‘Did I have anything to do with why they are in this jam?’If the answer is yes, you may want to think a little deeper about whether or not you are an arsonist firefighter.