Now What?! Narcissistic Epidemic

A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine coined a phrase over coffee that really resonated with me. We were talking about the younger generation when she said, “there seems to be an epidemic of narcissism these days.”

It was brilliantly put and has had me thinking about the phrase ever since.

It wasn’t as if I wasn’t aware of narcissistic people, I just wasn’t so ultra aware of them until she described them in that way. Even though the conversation originally came up because of younger folks, my interactions and observations were not isolated to one generation.

Before I knew it, I was surrounded by folks who brought conversations back to themselves on a regular basis or simply stopped listening when someone else began to speak. It may seem blatant but also can be subtle. For example, you spend an hour listening to a friend talk about what is going on in his or her life and bouncing from story to story. Then, when it’s finally your turn to talk and share some concerns that are weighing on you, your friend’s attention is now on their phone or what is happening at the table beside you.

If the friend is always like this, you probably don’t even notice it anymore, but it is nevertheless narcissism.

What about when you witness the narcissm third-hand? I have experienced this on so many occasions in both social settings and business settings. One person tries to connect with another by sharing a story or an anecdote to find commonality, and the other person dominates the conversation by shifting it to his or her own experiences.

When this scenario occurs between people who are not self-absorbed, it is a normal back and forth. Where it gets painful to witness is when you can see that one of the people has no interest in what the other is saying whatsoever – and even worse, that person doesn’t even realize it. In my experience, those people mean no harm, they just truly believe what they have to to say is that much more important than what anyone else could possibly have to share.

Another version of narcissism that I have experienced far too many times is when someone is only concerned about his or her own struggles, even if it comes at the detriment of someone about whom they care. For example, 10 years ago when I started to share news of my divorce with friends, I had a friend tell me that she was so upset about the news of my pending divorce that her husband sent her flowers to make her feel better.

Because humor gets me through awkward situations, I simply leaned over and put my hand on her hand and said, “Are you okay now?” She laughed a little to herself but I am pretty sure she didn’t think at all that she was being insensitive.

I am an observer of the human spirit. I know that when people are narcissistic, they have a need for reassurance that what they have to say or do is more important than what someone else has to share.

I don’t think I have those tendencies, but I used to talk a lot more than I do now. I like to listen more than I enjoy talking these days.

I have a little fortune from a fortune cookie from years and years ago that I keep taped to my keyboard that reads, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” It stuck with me because there is a peace to understanding, which leads to seeing things through a different lens.

Wouldn’t the world be a little bit better place if more people sought to understand something outside of themselves?

I suggest we all exercise our ability to listen more than we speak – if only to empathize with something happening outside of ourselves.