Now What?! Motherhood, re-blooming

While I was enjoying lunch with some friends recently, the topic of punishment of children arose. It was a reminder that not every parent punishes bad behavior or rule-breaking in the same way. Sometimes, parents in the same family don’t even agree upon punishments.But no matter what children say, their misdeeds require punishments and consequences – not capital punishment, mind you, but one that at least fits the ‘crime.’

We learn from what we know – we acclimate our parenting styles from the way we were raised. Whether you want to tone down what you had or amp it up a bit, parenting is a crapshoot. We do our best and hope some part of it works.

Although my son has grown into a man who makes me proud every day, he didn’t come out of a box like that. Sure, my ex-husband was just as much a part of the raising and punishment but hey, it’s my Mother’s Day article, so this is all about my perspective! From the time my son was a toddler, I was constantly after him about his behavior. He didn’t sit still at story time at the library, or he would make silly faces in every group picture – or fall out of his seat to make his friends laugh.Since I went with what I knew, I was strict. Timeouts only partially worked. Spankings from me definitely didn’t work. But it didn’t mean I let him get away with anything. I just had to get creative. Here are three of my favorite punishments.Punishment hack No. 1 – Toy timeoutsAs my boy reached preschool and subsequently elementary school, his behavior continued to test the limits. One great thing about children developing hobbies and having favorite toys is that they give you leverage as a parent. I loved when he began to collect Transformers, because I could start to put them in ‘timeout’ instead of him, and it stung much more effectively.If you choose this method, remember that you put said toy in timeout. (We may or may not have put his Nintendo DS in timeout one fall and forgotten about it. We may then have scolded him for losing his DS and made him wait until Christmas to ask Santa for a new one; I digress.)Punishment hack No. 2 – Fear factorA little fear isn’t a horrible thing. Somewhere along the line, the power has shifted in a lot of households because parents don’t want their children to feel afraid in any way. My mom didn’t like when I got after my son for small slip-ups when he was little. I reminded her that the same small slip-up would lead to talking back or disrespect the older he got and it wouldn't be so cute. When a child is not intimidated at all by their parents or authority figures, it can lead to them living in a world free of consequence. They need to understand that we expect better from them and they will demand better of themselves.Spoiler alert: My son still takes notice if he reacts disrespectfully and apologizes even at 20 years old.

Punishment hack No. 3 – Write it downWhen he was too old for spankings and the idea of taking things away bothered him less and less, I had to step up my punishment game. My favorite punishment to date is when I made him write an essay for me. I had doled out academic punishments before, but the crown jewel for me was when he was given the topic, ‘Why my mother is my best friend.’He had to write the essay to my standards before he could come out of his room. I made him rewrite it until the handwriting was neat and the grammar was correct.  My boy knows his mom and knew the way to win me over was to put an inside joke in the essay to solicit a smile. I kept this essay and took it out recently to obtain his permission to share some of it.“I have a lot of friends, but there is one friend that is my best friend. That friend is my mother. I love to just hang out with her and watch TV, play cards, drink hot chocolate, and play video games. Our favorite thing to do together is to eat pizza and have a living room picnic to watch a movie.” (That is still one of our favorite things to do.) “We don’t like to go shopping together though, I ‘hold her back.’ … Let us end by saying that she would win the Dundie for best friend in the Office.” At the end of the day, I learned character-building consequences from my mother. What also has been passed down is the generation-skipping protection. My mother was strict with me, but protective of my son. My Nana was tough on my mom, but protective of us (unless her 90-lb frame took off her ‘chancla’ (slipper) to wave at us to exhibit authority).Although I have demanded a certain level of behavior from my son, I know I will defend every action of his children with all of my might. Just like the pale pink blooms of the rhododendron in my parents’ yard that blossom every Mother’s Day, the legacy will continue.