Now What?! Making life investments

Financial investments have never been in my wheelhouse. I’d love for them to be, but they just aren’t.

Going out on a limb doesn’t bode well for me in the investment department in general, either. Recently, I concluded that investments come in a wide variety, ranging from money to time and even relationships.

Not long ago I was having a Starbucks date with my sister-in-law and she asked, as she often does, about my dating life. I told her that I haven’t had much luck and it has gotten a bit frustrating, but not for the reasons she might think.

It’s frustrating because I reach out to men I don’t have designs on dating but rather about whom I’ve sincerely grown to care. She said something that I haven’t been able to get out of my head: “That’s because you’re invested.”

It seems very simple and obvious, but it had never occurred to me.

Up until that conversation, I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reason I would either initiate or respond to men who I don’t consider ‘boyfriend material.’ I felt desperate and almost pathetic for allowing myself to pursue communication because these men generally reached out only when they needed a sympathetic ear or saw me as vulnerable prey (you decide).

Her statement shifted the way I think about these men. It made me take stock of my intentions. Do I reach out or respond in the hopes of rekindling the first-date spark? After genuine introspection, I could honestly say the answer was ‘no’ across the board.

My interactions have connected me with these men (whose characteristics I’ve intermingled and names I’ve changed to share my feelings without exposing theirs).

There’s Sam, who I always follow up with because he has had a tortured past. Even though he retired from the military with a stellar career, he now drowns his sorrows nightly after three failed marriages. I feel for him deeply and have grown attached to the stories of his children and their life successes. There are too many red flags for a relationship, but I always make myself available to listen.

I have fond memories of joy rides with George, who I knew as a teenager but only dated post-divorce. The dates were few and short-lived but our friendship continued. I spent weeks wondering why he only seemed to see me as a friend until I really thought about the fact that I had no interest in dating him either. He didn’t have the professional aspirations that I’d expect, nor did he have the ability to really have an engaging back and forth.  Why did I keep putting myself out there for him?  The answer is, I am invested.

Tony hides behind his humor and charm. He would make comments about how he should ‘wife me up’ or where he would put certain furniture in my house when he moved in. I would laugh because we were never exclusively dating.  He never made any effort to that effect nor was I all that interested. It started to frustrate me when I would continually reach out to him, but he would continually ignore me. I knew he was struggling with the fact that he couldn’t see his children every day following his divorce, and my heart broke for him. Why did I put myself through that rejection repeatedly just to make sure he was okay? I was invested.

My first reaction always is to dwell on the fact that these men haven’t chosen me. Maybe it is PTSD from my divorce. I immediately lean on what they may not have liked about me physically until I remind myself that in a lot of cases, these men aren’t what I want physically, either.

I also remind myself that although I don’t love being single, I remain so gladly to respect my right not to settle. I can care about, or be invested in, these men who have passed through my life – some lingering longer than others – and still not want to date them.

I’ve also permitted myself to be okay with being picky. If I’m being honest with myself, maybe I maintain contact because some connection is better than none. Who knows?! For me, it is difficult to just turn the caring part of my brain off when a man has stopped communicating with me. But just because I care, it doesn’t imply romantic feelings.

Now and then a part of me wants to tell these men, “You know I’m not trying to date you, right?”

Maybe it’s paranoia, but I will say I find it a bit arrogant on their part to romantically reject someone before they even know if that is her endgame. I once read a quote that I repeat to myself relatively often: ‘Your opinion of me is none of my business.’

I make a humble request, in the nicest way possible, of any single person who may be reading this: Get over your own ego when getting to know someone new.  Just because they ask questions or maintain communication doesn’t guarantee that they are trying to date you; perhaps they are trying to give you a chance.

Maybe in your life, they simply find themselves invested.