Now What?! A mean case of the shoulds

A little-known phenomenon from which much of us suffer is what I like to call, ‘the shoulds.’

Flare-ups and outbreaks tend to get worse around the holidays through the new year. I’m not a medical professional, but this is what my research has taught me about this condition.

For some, symptoms start out small. For example, “I should have cooked dinner instead of ordering takeout.” We’ve all had that thought at one time or another. It’s obviously reasonable to prefer someone else cooking our dinner after a long day of chasing the kids or being at the office (or, in the work-from-home scenario, doing both).

This small feeling of inadequacy is a gateway symptom to those that are a bit bigger and may even keep us up at night.

‘I should have reached out to So-and-So because I haven’t spoken with her in a while, I’m a horrible friend.’

The reality is that for most of us who have children make our adult friends through our children when they enter the age of activities and pre-school. We have playdates for our children and chat about books, food, TV shows or, let’s be honest, other parents.

As our children get older, these friendships continue to strengthen. Those whose main job is their children lean on each other.

Now my son is an adult and in college, and I have returned to the workforce as have most, if not all, of my friends. I can genuinely say that not a day goes by that I don’t scroll through a list of friends in my head about whom I am concerned, but they would never know.

I try to reach out by text just to let them know that I am thinking about them, despite my lack of additional outreach. And 99.9% of the time, I receive a reciprocal message and it is just understood. The friends who genuinely know me absolutely know I hold them (and in most cases their children) close in my heart and that my intentions are pure.

The biggest struggle for me, and I’m guessing a lot of people, are the family shoulds.

‘I should have made more time for [insert family member here] last week, I am sure they would like that.’

That seems benign enough of a should, but it’s really not, when you consider that my living relatives who are from the generation before mine, my own siblings and cousins, and my 19 nineteen nieces and nephews and one great nephew. None of these relatives are an obligation – rather, they are a source of pride for me. But there are always shoulds that plague me, and I wish I could do more.

My favorite author, Kelly Corrigan, wrote a book called The Middle Place that masterfully illustrates the stage in our life in which we have children when they need us most, but in which we also need to focus on our own romantic relationships, while still being young enough that our parents begin to need our help as well.

This book has always resonated with me for so many reasons because of the way the author describes realizing she cannot be everything to everyone. There was a time in my life when I would drop everything when someone needed my help with an errand, carpooling, or to help with home projects, but that is not the reality of today.

I know I am not in the minority with a laundry list of not only tasks but everyday concerns that inhabit my psyche.

If you are like me, some of these concerns may be home improvements, college tuition, car repairs, our health, our weight, intimate relationships, our children, and oh yes – our careers!

It has taken me 40-um-plus years, several strokes, an anxiety disorder, and a peptic ulcer to understand that I am not perfect. I know… it was shocking for me too. I spent most of my life striving to be the perfect daughter, student, friend, girlfriend, wife, mother, homemaker, employee, school volunteer, and the list goes on and on.

No matter what I did or made time for, it was never enough – either according to my own standards or those of others.

But no one is perfect.

Do what you can and release the rest. You can do everything in your power to go above and beyond for everyone around you, and there will still be something that fell through the cracks that you ‘should’ have done.

On the flipside, for those who feel slighted by a lack of attention from others or having to say no to a request, cut those around you some slack. The next time your case of the shoulds involves someone else falling short, perhaps make a short list of everything from the day for which you are grateful.

Take a deep breath and let’s get through ‘should season’ 2022 healthier than ever.