Now What?!

This time of year is riddled with promises and expectations, primarily self-imposed. It's a little daunting for those of us who put pressure on ourselves with any and every new goal. I’ve decided to shift my focus and hone in on a practice I’ve been trying to perform during the past few years anyway – the practice of being resolute in my gratitude toward others.

I've often said that being a parent is all about eating crow, but I amend that statement. I feel like being an adult (parent or not) is all about eating crow when you are open to it.

When we stay open to seeing our mistakes or questionable decisions, we tend to realize we should be grateful to experiences that once seemed devastating. At least a few times a year, I reach out to my mom to thank her and say, “I now get it.”

When we were growing up, my mom was the consummate family photographer. She did what she needed to do for the optimal shot. At the time, my sisters, cousins and I were so irritated by it because there were so many directions.

“Don’t fake smile... Stick out your chest, because it helps your posture... Angle toward me.”

At graduations or school productions, she would stake out her seat for the best perspective for her camera or stand in restricted areas or obstruct others momentarily to get ‘the shot.’ And make no mistake – she ALWAYS got her shot.

The need to capture certain memories has now been passed on to me, and my son and nephews can’t stand it. They are good sports about it, but they reach their limit making smiles more forced. I find myself sitting in particular spots to get a good angle or crouching in an aisle to sneak a snapshot of a family member at closer range. While the frustration from my childhood photo-shoots or my son’s frustration with his may be temporary, that photograph forever captures a moment in time. As several framed photos around my home can attest, I thank my mom for her specificity about angles, backgrounds and lighting.

I am also thankful for my divorce, quite honestly. As someone who has lived with an anxiety/panic disorder for the majority of my life, I would happily live my whole life with no changes or shifts to my norm. Control is everything to someone like me, and divorce (when you are not the initiator) is an everyday lesson in nothing being within your control. It is almost immersion therapy into the land of the unknown.

I used to joke with my ex-husband that he dragged me through changes kicking and screaming (figuratively of course). If he hadn’t, I may have a 17-year-old high school senior in diapers drinking from a sippy cup!

If I hadn’t gone through my divorce, I would never have tapped into my strengths in the workplace. Because of my anxieties, I previously retreated from difficult professional situations because I could. But I no longer have that luxury and am forced to push through. Not only have I learned a great deal about myself and what I can handle, but my son is able to see my strengths and what I have conquered on my own. My divorce showed me just how strong I am; now when I am struggling through something, I remember that it will soon be just a memory of something I overcame.

I am fully aware that the concept of gratitude for seemingly dark or frustrating times seems corny, but it doesn’t make it any less impactful. In 2020, I challenge you to shift the narrative a bit in your life. Instead of coming up with a resolution, decide to be resolute in your reframing of situations. Don’t think, ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ Try to think, ‘What am I supposed to be getting from this situation? How can this help me?’

Even if it doesn’t come naturally or you feel silly thinking it, I promise it will help fight the pull toward self pity and helplessness. If you need help reframing in the new year, reach out to your friendly neighborhood life coach for a consultation (coachingyou16@gmail.com).