Now What?!

Editor's note: This is the third and final installment of a series of columns about raising children; it focuses on the high school and college years – and beyond.

Every stage of parenting is a trade-off of stressors and worries. When you no longer worry about your child in one way, something else backfills. It's like a parenting Pez dispenser of worry! The way I worried about my son when he was a toddler and in kindergarten seem so minor now that I’m faced with the edge of adulthood.

My pregnancy and first couple of weeks of motherhood were riddled with insecurity and doubt. I remember distinctly one afternoon, only a few days after we brought our son home from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I was lying in bed snuggling with him. There was a movie on the Lifetime Network about a mom struggling with her son going to college and some behavioral issues. I thought to myself, ‘I have 18 years before I don’t have to worry so much.’

In retrospect, two observations pop out: First, those years have passed in fast motion; second, I now know that the worry doesn’t go away, it only changes form.

As a parent, we want what’s best for our high-schoolers when it comes to academics and future opportunities. We want them to surround themselves with like-minded people when it comes to decision-making, but the older they get, the farther removed from those decisions we find ourselves.

They learn to drive and become independent. That's a good thing, ultimately, but we worry because we don’t always know exactly where they will end up or who else is on the road at the same time. Though we can't control those factors, we worry nonetheless. Or at least I do.

When I knew I was having a son, I was so grateful that I wouldn’t have to worry about heartbreak because I assumed that only boys did the heartbreaking. Wrong! I have not only a son but also nephews who all have had their hearts broken in their ‘training relationships.’ I call them that because the boys are learning how to treat girls while still being driven around by their parents. I would remind my son to open the door for his date, or to make sure he walked her to the door or offered to pay for her. It never for one second occurred to me that he wouldn’t be chosen or treated well back.

The hardest thing as a parent is to see your child hurting when there is nothing you can do to help. Physical harm is tough, but the emotional hurt is devastating when you have a child (in my case a son) who doesn’t generally show emotion. I’m not biased when I say that my son and my nephews are all gorgeous, athletic, funny, smart and charming and so therefore should never run into heartbreak!

Ok, maybe a little biased.

But I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it’s hard for me not to involuntarily ‘hmph!’ to myself when a girl who broke one of their hearts is in my physical vicinity. I will always be protective of the heart, so just don’t hurt my boy and we’ll be good.

The work and worry that goes into preparing your child for that last year of high school is right smack dab where I am right now. In my household, college applications and graduation announcements, as well as senior year athletics and preparing my son to be more and more independent, are our reality. I know that it's just as stressful for those parents who have prepared their seniors for the working world or trade school.

Regardless of what we are preparing our new adults to do, it is the time when we learn whether we have equipped them to make critical decisions on their own or not. Do they know how much money to put aside from their paychecks? Have we instilled a good work ethic? Do they know the importance of their word and following through on it? We begin to find out these answers and so many more when they flee the nest for college or elsewhere.

A new level in their lives brings another set of juggles and worries. It’s kind of like a video game; you try and try to make it to the next level and once you do, you take a breath to regroup but ultimately face a new group of obstacles. My son just submitted his first college application, with several to follow in the next few weeks. His father and I have worked with him to help from our end, and he has worked his tail off academically and extracurricularly to afford himself such opportunities.

This is a huge step.

But in reality, it is a stepping stone. Once he is accepted to college, we figure out the finances. Once we figure out the finances, we make sure he has what he needs for his room. Once the room is set, we hope he gets along well with his roommate(s). Can he keep up academically in college? Once he completes his college years, did he spend his summers wisely with jobs or internships? What if he falls in love in college and plans to get married after college?

I am well aware that my line of thinking is like the book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” with worry, but it’s realistic. I try not to think that far ahead, but the worrying won’t stop – nor do I want it to. When my son decides how he would like to spend the rest of his life (hopefully after finishing college, since I know he wants to start it), my sincere hope is that he carries the foundation we have laid for him.