Now What?!

As the mom of a rising high school senior, I find myself at an emotional crossroads where most parents find themselves sooner or later: The intersection of pride and fear.

When my son was on the verge of starting kindergarten, the preparation and build-up was scary to say the least. Here I was putting my only child on a big orange metal stranger mobile, waving goodbye and smiling like a fool.

Thus began my naive mistakes in supportive parenting. It was a slippery slope of encouragement in competitions, sports, dates, school dances and ultimately driving. What was I thinking giving him the tools he needed to be an independent and productive member of society?

Ok – I’m not really delusional. In reality, it is the parenting holy grail for your child to have the confidence and security to want to spread his wings and flee the nest. I was frozen in disbelief recently when my 17-year-old son started a load of his own laundry before leaving for his lifeguard shift– without prompting. Although it tears a little piece of my heart away the less and less he needs me, it is the ultimate goal to prepare your child for independence.

Reality was unavoidable when I received the notification for his senior portrait appointment from his high school. After forwarding the letter to his dad, we were off to the races. Luckily my ex-husband and I co-parent well and he often reminds me of the necessity of letting our son be independent.

He talks a big game but it was just as difficult for him when our son started looking up his own statistics for swimming. It hit him even harder when our son mapped out his high school classes without guidance from his dad.

It was a dark day when my ex went to give his boy the normal suggestions and presentation of scheduling research he had done for ninth-grade classes and our son counter-presented his own independent plan of attack. This intricately laid plan included summer classes to free up spots for second languages and AP prospects to possibly give college credits and was a thing of beauty. Pride in what the boy had learned accompanied sadness about how his dependence was slipping away.

Like many women in this stage of life, I’m left to wonder, what’s next… now what?! I was married right out of college and divorced in my late 30s. I feel like a fish out of water in the dating world, even though I’ve had five years to immerse my gills. Do I sell the house in which I raised my son from age one? Should I travel? Do I start fresh in a new city and leave behind the relationships I have cultivated throughout my adult life? Do I take up a hobby and branch out of my comfort zone? As most moms in this position, I am excited and unnerved all at once.

I am a divorced mom with a 17-year-old son, a former PTA president and high school cheerleader. None of these define me, though they are noteworthy in the story of who I am. I love Starbucks but don’t like coffee. I will work 20 hours a day if need be but can’t stand the idea of working 9 to 5 at a desk. I love the idea of having a special guy in my life again but hate the act of dating. I am a walking contradiction on a daily basis.

Most notable in relation to the topic of empty nesting is the fear that my son could study or work in a different state or even country – though I also fear that he might stay stagnant in one location and not take advantage of those opportunities.

No matter how much I worry about my son every day, the development of his confidence and security – which will allow him to spread his wings – are the ultimate goal. To others on the precipice of becoming empty-nesters: We’ll get through this together with pride, tears, memories, and most likely alcohol.

Cheers to us, the parents of the Class of 2020

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Stephanie McNamara is a certified life and wellness coach and a native Richmonder. She's a mom to a 17-year-old son and spends most of her time proudly cheering him on in some capacity.  She graduated from Virginia Commonwealth University with a degree in English, which she used to write a children's book with her alma mater, "Rodney Ram Teaches Teamwork" in 2007.