Nonprofit helps couples get from striving to thriving

Forced togetherness. . . job loss. . . financial strain. . . disrupted routines. . . parents playing teachers. . . frayed nerves. . . loss of child care. . .

Did we mention 24/7 togetherness?

Considering all the stress brought on by the pandemic – not to mention the loss of normal recreational outlets to relieve that stress – is it any wonder that marital harmony is suffering along with everything else? Hand-in-hand with the depressing news of disease, death and unemployment are statistics indicating a climbing divorce rate. Attorneys have noted a spike in inquiries about divorce, and many find themselves overwhelmed with cases.

But marital friction doesn't have to end in a break-up, says Chris Beach of the Relationship Foundation of Virginia. A nonprofit dedicated to building healthy relationships and families, RFVA is seeing some success with an alternative approach: marriage coaching.

Coaching? Isn't that just another way of saying counseling?

"There's a difference," Beach says with a shake of the head. "Coaching is looking forward, while counseling is more about past problems.

"Coaching looks toward the future. It's giving you the skills necessary to move the marriage forward."

Accessible and affordable

But despite the almost universal strains on relationships these days, couples often hesitate to seek help.

Old attitudes die hard, and even younger couples may have been raised in households where there's a stigma associated with psychological help – or with talking to an outsider about family matters.

In other cases, Beach says, people are simply "afraid to get coached – because it means something is wrong."

For most couples, however, the primary obstacle to signing up for marriage coaching is financial. While some are able to obtain free or low-cost counseling through their church, and others may be able to afford private coaching (through a private group like the Marriage & Relationship Center), the majority of families are struggling to pay bills.

"They can't afford $100 or $200 a session," Beach says.

And that's where RFVA comes in. The non-profit offers up to six 90-minute virtual coaching sessions at just $25 apiece.

During the session, couples delve into personal communication styles and their relationship's strengths and weaknesses, as well as discussing relationship "triggers" – both good and bad. Each may be asked, for instance, 'What is something your partner does that irritates you?" – then move on to more positive or romantic topics with questions such as, "What smell triggers your senses?" or "What's something your partner could help you with that you'd appreciate?"

With its underlying theme of looking to the future and equipping partners with the tools to improve the relationship, coaching can be just as appropriate for just-starting-out couples or for solid, long-married types as well.

"It's not just for people hitting bumps in the marriage," Beach emphasizes, noting that premarital coaching can help new couples get off on the right foot, or help a good marriage become a great one -- taking a couple "from striving to thriving."

Date nights

RFVA has also been working with local businesses to create affordable date nights, some of which incorporate coaching mini-sessions along with opportunities to unwind and relax.

Among the recreational partners are local establishments such as Colonial Shooting Academy, which offered a "Shot through the Heart" date night, and others like Belle Isle Moonshine, Tang & Biscuit, and Fine Creek Brewery. Fine Creek hosted a weekend getaway in February at its "Cottages at the Creek," where couples were able to enjoy an overnight escape, dinner-for-two, and some virtual coaching and relationship games (take-offs on Family Feud and The Newlywed Game).

Beach says he tries to arrange at least one date night a month, with additional dates in February to celebrate Valentine's Day. Some couples sign up for the dates to supplement coaching sessions, while others view them as a break from routine, or a chance to sample a bit of informal coaching.

Like most non-profits, RFVA (which began as First Things First of Greater Richmond, and still operates its popular boot camps for new dads – virtually) has had to undergo some cost-cutting during the pandemic. As a result, Beach is also working to organize safe, socially-distanced fundraising events, such as golf tournaments and an online auction. The auction, tagged "He Shed, She Shed," will feature as a prize a shed that can be adapted for use as a backyard office or other handy amenity.

Fortunately, donors have stepped up to help RFVA as well. Beach was particularly grateful – and surprised – to receive a sizable donation recently from the parent of a former fourth grader, almost 10 years after he taught the student at Maybeury E.S. Apparently Beach had been one of the fourth grader's favorite teachers ever – and when the family became aware of his new role at RFV, they wanted to let him know he was remembered and appreciated.

'Things that last forever'

Beach is quick to say that RFVA's mission of strengthening families tends to be an easy sell – a cause that just about anyone can embrace and support.

The challenge, he admits, is getting people to understand the direct connection between strong families and individual health and well-being.

As a married, working-from-home father of four boys (nicknamed, of course, "The Beach Boys"), he can attest to the importance of marital harmony when it comes to getting his work done, and notes that happy marriages lead to more productive employees -- whether those employees work remotely or on-site at an office.

"Marriage is a part of wellness, but people don't see it that way," Beach says, pointing out that employer-sponsored insurance tends to cover counseling and other mental health support, or even individual coaching -- but not couples coaching.

Nobody thinks twice, he adds, about seeking a coach's help to enhance athletic skills – or seeking a financial planner or a business coach to help build a business or an investment portfolio.

"But you won't always be an athlete," Beach says. "You won't always work."

Considering the ease with which people consult coaches for the less permanent things in life like sports and careers, Beach believes it only makes sense to do the same for "things that are supposed to last forever" – like marriage and relationships.

"The bottom line is, the happier you are at home, the more productive you are at work," he sums up. "And in a time when everyone is working from home, that is even more relevant."

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For details about marriage coaching, date nights and other RFVA programs, visit www.RFVA.org.

For couples with the financial resources to seek private coaching, visit Marriage & Relationship Coaching Center at www.marriagecounselorrichmond.com.