Bedtime rituals help to end day on mellow note

The school year is well underway, and everyone has happily settled into the routine. The kids come home every day relaxed, excited about their day and eager to tackle their homework.

At dinner time, the entire family cheerfully pitches in to prepare and eat a wholesome meal while enjoying sparkling conversation and laughing away the carefree evening until bedtime.

No?

Well, even if your house is a somewhat less idyllic scene at day's end, and your kids are grumpy and tired – or had a stinker of a day -- all is not lost. Mornings and after-school can be too chaotic and rushed for quality time, but the evening hour is ripe for wind-down moments and soothing rituals that can salvage even the worst of days.

Seven years ago, a Family Forum column on the topic of end-of-day rituals described such bedtime standards as stories, back rubs, kisses, prayers, and blankets or "lovies" – all of which help children settle down to sleep feeling loved and secure.

Since 2012, I've learned of some new variations on these tried-and-true routines – all invented by enterprising (or possibly desperate) parents.

Shopping carts and pillow fairies
We're all familiar with the childish tendency to resist bedtime, wheedling for "just one more story" or "just one more hug." At times like these, it helps to remember that children probably care less about the story or hug; they are simply reluctant to say good-bye to their parents at night.

One family manages the stalling tactics by bringing out the Hugs and Kisses Jar at bedtime. (This tactic could also be used to ration the number of bedtime stories). The jar contains slips of paper numbered one through five, from which the child draws a number – and gets that number of stories and goodnight kisses.

Another ritual that works especially well for children who don't like the dark is "blowing out the lights." Invited to count down to the moment when the parent switches off the light, children can feel some measure of control as they save up a great big breath and pretend to "blow" the room dark.

Of course, some kids start resisting well before they are in the bed – but ingenious parents have found ways to entice them there. For the preschool set, a shopping game can set the mood. Half an hour before bedtime, a parent sets the timer for 30 minutes and brings out a toy shopping cart. The child then "runs errands" and "shops" for his pajamas at the clothing store (dresser), stops at a restaurant (kitchen) for a drink of water, and goes to the dentist (bathroom) to get his teeth cleaned. Finally, he stops at the library (bookshelf) to select his bedtime reading.

Another bedtime trick is to role-play a favorite character in book. When my youngest was a preschooler, she loved the Little Bear series, and we spent many nights reenacting the Little Bear bedtime story, in which I carried her on my shoulders to bed just like her hero.

Some games would be burdensome on parents to play every night, but can be reserved for randomly chosen occasions. For instance, a child who tends to balk at bedtime might be less reluctant to head for bed if, now and then, she finds a small surprise gift from the "Pillow Fairy" waiting on her pillow.

Mission: Bedtime
For older children, some parents have had success using a timer at bedtime, with the rule that the entire bedtime routine has to be complete before it dings. Since stories are included in the routine, the timer gives them an incentive to streamline tasks and avoid dawdling, or they lose out on stories.

Older children might also enjoy a goofy game invented by a dad. Once in bed, the children can ask for a certain stuffed animal, doll, or blanket to be brought to them. Dad shows up at bedside with the requested object on his head, acting puzzled. "Hmm, I can't find it. Where could it be?" Then he pretends to be overcome by a gigantic yawn, a violent sneeze (or, if you have boys of a certain age, the urge to regurgitate). Whatever the method, the game never fails to draw giggles as the object on Dad's head is forcibly ejected onto the bed.

Like many children, my daughters went through a period where they enjoyed playing the role of spies or secret agents. Kids in this stage might enjoy a "Mission: Bedtime" theme.

At the designated hour parents turn off upstairs lights, issue the kids flashlights, and inform them that their mission is to sneak upstairs, finish bedtime tasks and slip into bed as quietly as possible. (No surprise that parents of an infant designed this game for the older siblings.) Once in bed, the kids turn in their flashlights and enjoy subdued high-fives from their parents and whispers of "Mission accomplished, Agent Joey!"

Another bedtime game that calls for a little ingenuity is known as "Acrobatic Toys." A parent slips into the child's room before bedtime to arrange toys and stuffed animals in various active poses – perhaps propped on dressers and bedposts, wearing the child's clothing, or holding interesting objects. For kids who aren't otherwise eager to settle down at night, the curiosity as to what their toys are up to every evening might be just the ticket to get them to bed.

In any family of two or more kids, a bedtime pass can be a nice way to give kids some special time with parents. In one family, the children take turns being that week's "Late Night Kid," who gets to stay up an hour late one night and enjoy extra attention from the parents. If siblings interrupt or don't stay in bed, they lose their turns in the extra-hour rotation.

Bedtime anxiety
For kids who have trouble parting with parents at bedtime because of separation anxiety or a tendency to nightmares, some extra care might be needed. Spritzing a bit of Mommy's cologne in the air as she leaves the room at night is a simple way to help some children feel less anxious.

I've also heard of a bedtime ritual that involves sprinkling kids with imaginary dust and reciting a mantra. Dad might say as he sprinkles, "From the top of your head to the tips of your toes, Daddy's Love Dust is all over Abby. Bad dreams can't get through!" (Because the dust is invisible, it can handily travel through the phone, too, or be carried to school in a coat pocket when kids need a morale boost.)

If your bedtime routine includes prayers, the Daddy Dust ritual can end with prayer time. Since many bedtime prayers include petitions to a nighttime guardian angel, some parents may sneak into the bedroom once kids are asleep and sprinkle a speck or two of glittery powder onto a windowsill. When the kids wake in the morning, they have a sign that their protector left an "angel trail."

Another way to comfort an anxious child at bedtime is to imagine pleasant dreams floating by in a parade, then reaching out and snatching one to keep for the night. If the dream topic is a wiggly one (say, a romp with a pet or fantasy animal), the child can pretend to wrestle the dream under the covers as she snuggles into bed. If snatching a friendly, fire-breathing dragon or a flight through a tropical rain forest, she might exclaim that the dream is warm to the touch. Sharing the chosen dream with stuffed animals can add another layer of coziness.

One sister invented a "dream box" for her sibling who had trouble falling asleep, and wrote favorite pastimes such as "trip to the beach" or "pony rides" on slips of paper. The pile of "dream papers" stayed in a shoe box by the bed, and every night the younger child would reach into the box for one – then close her eyes and think about the subject until she fell asleep.

Spa therapy
When children reach the "tween" years, or hit middle school, they may begin to feel they have outgrown such bedtime tricks and games. But some rituals can be appreciated even by middle schoolers and teens.

I am a big believer in the lifelong benefits of teatime, which was a regular after-school ritual when my girls were young. Sipping tea before bedtime can be a great way for an older child to wind down (and even provide an opening for kitchen-table conversation with a parent). Just as my grandmother did for me, I make "flannel tea" with lots of milk in the evening; not only is the name itself calming, but the milk is conducive to sleep.

I am also a big believer in the ritual of bedtime back rubs. For young children, the chance to boss a parent around and ask for various muscles and limbs to be massaged is priceless; for older kids, even a brief shoulder rub is a great stress reliever, and a chance to bond with the parent who is rubbing.

When it comes to massage as bedtime ritual, however, I bow to the mom who created "spa therapy." Observing that her pre-teen daughter was beginning to withdraw from their once-close relationship, Mom designed an invitation to "The Spa – Good for one week." She slipped it to her daughter on a day when she seemed down, but unwilling to open up about what was bothering her.

The spa certificate invited her to choose from such luxury amenities as a bubble bath, scented candles, manicure, pedicure, hand massage, and lotion treatment – topped off with extra touches of a towel fluffed in the dryer and a warm drink.

Before long, spa therapy was a regular thing, and Mom noted that even when her daughter did not open up and talk, she invariably felt better after her treatment – just knowing that her mother cared. In fact, after a particularly bad day, her daughter would occasionally come home and ask, “Could I have a trip to The Spa?”

To read Dec. 2012 Family Forum, "End of Day Rituals create comfort, sense of belonging,’ visit tinyurl.com/endofdayrituals.